The second-worst thing on my shit-o-meter is...

For those of you who have never experienced an 'unnatural' death IRL (as opposed to hacking each other to death in games)there's a little bureacracy called the Coroners Office which investigates said deaths, including suicide. This is all well and good, and probably useful as well but in the case of a suicide the police (who act for the Coroner) are interested in motive as well as the physical details.

I'm posting this as a bit of a warning because some of you may be contacted & interviewed by the police. Bring someone with you, maybe the school counsellor or a broad-minded adult if you don't want your parents to particularly share all the gory details.

Anyhow in an interview with a constable D'Cruz (v clean-cut, somewhat cute, too young for me...too much information!) covering 5 hours 7pm-12am we hit all the low points in Ben's life, all the bleak periods guaranteed to make you cry, all the bits to make you think "If only..."

No sleep that night/morning, cry on the train into work the next morning & get in at 11 am all red-eyed & fragile. Lovely.

It doesn't help that I've probably progressed to the stage where the shock has worn off, and the grief really sets in. "Stomach aching all the time.." sorry, the quote's off a bit because its actually "body" but its really weird how on my internal system grief, anger, frustration, anxiety & nerves all feel the same - indigestion.

Another surprise though - even with all this grief & sadness rolling around, sometimes I get surprised by feeling joy. Not that Ben died or anything, but just an underlying joy at life. At the same time as grief. Sort of a smiling through the tears type thing. Two at the same time - v. weird.

Enough self-indulgence for one night, I don't mean to sound angry but I realise I do. Or annoyed that I have to go through this crap.

By the way, there is a group for those left behind when someone suicides if it's all getting a bit much - via the Coroner's office in Glebe (& their counselling service) or via the Salvation Army in Chatswood. I'm not sure what they're like & the Coroner's one suggested I wait a month before going to one & potentially opening up the wounds. But don't just brood over it, okay - talk to your friends etc.

I might see some of you on the 11th or later - I gather FSHS will be doing something, at least those who knew Ben well.